I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
