but the lizard people decide everything anyway
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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