I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize