I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
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