You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize