So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
