He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
