turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
