A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
