wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
