my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
