Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
