Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
