During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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