Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
