so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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