you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hippo gnu deer
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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