When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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