i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
