Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
