if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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