at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
