So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
