if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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