So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
