I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We need to rekindle our bromance
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
