A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
