very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
