I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
