i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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