apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
