I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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