I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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