Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
