the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
