I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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