I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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