I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
