areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
