I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
