Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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