You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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