So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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