right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
