I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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