I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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