My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I love having hate sex.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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