If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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