now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
