I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
