i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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