I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
