Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
