It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
