I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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