I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm both gender and math confused
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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