a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
What a dumb baby whore.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
